I've never liked the term "the terrible twos." It didn't seem fair to me to mark every two-year-old in existence with the same label, especially not one that implied that they were fairly unpleasant little humans during a certain period. Whenever I have boasted over the last 12 months how delightful my gorgeous son was, I was generally met with a smug friend or relative saying "just wait till he's two..." I wanted to punch them for implying that my little man was capable of being something as horrific as their own child was at that point evolving into. I felt like I had done my time with J in the early days. Of course it wasn't his behaviour that caused us grief, but the reflux, his adamant refusal to sleep, and the mummy blues, that overshadowed the first 6 months of parenthood. When we came out the other side of it all and celebrated J's first birthday almost a year ago, I felt like we had all miraculously survived a great trauma. I wanted to believe we would be spared that period known as "the terrible twos" mostly because, like a lot of parents, I found it impossible to believe that my son could be anything less than adorable.
He's always been feisty and impatient, and he shows a determination that equals that of both his parents combined. Things have shifted lately as he's realised his own strength and become better able to express himself. He's realised he has options, and that has been the root cause of all of our problems. A few weeks ago I asked him to do something simple. I can't remember what exactly but he turned to me, looked me in the eye and said, very emphatically, "no." It wasn't so much that he was saying no because he didn't want to do it, it was that he was choosing to say no because it was what I wanted him to do. I recognised that look he gave me, I've seen that furrowed brow, the thundercloud over the head before, and I'm sure later in life he'll have the pulsing blue vein above his eyebrow too - it's a family look, we all get it from time to time, and I knew I'd be seeing a lot more of it. We were entering a new "phase."
I used to look at parents of children behaving badly with a mixture of sympathy and judgement. I couldn't help but feel that they were responsible for the way their child was behaving, that in some way, some flaw in their parenting had led to that meltdown/tantrum/act of violence. Now I know better. Toddlers have very little impulse control. They can't help but scream when their baby brothers are asleep upstairs. They feel cross that they can't get what they want and they haven't learned positive ways to express it. "Hugging not hitting" has become a mantra in our house, and while most of the time we manage to remind J that he'll get more attention if he asks for a cuddle when he's cranky, sometimes he simply exercises his right to choose and still smacks Mummy in the mouth anyway. I was dreading this phase, because deep down I did know it would come eventually, but it's not as bad as I thought. My dread was based on my own impatience and the fear that I would not be able to respond appropriately when he started kicking and screaming in the middle of the supermarket - I was afraid I would also lose it when my buttons were pushed (and believe me, he knows how to push my buttons!). There have been times when it's been a battle to control him, he is just so big and heavy that it's almost physically impossible to restrain him, and I have been worried that he would hurt himself, or someone else. But for the most part I've been calm and not at all as flustered by his behaviour as I imagined I would be. Maybe it's because I see him the other 75% of the time as a sweet and happy little boy, or because I know the tantrum will pass, or maybe it's both, but it really is ok.
As a two year old J has been a pleasure to watch. The things he says, the way he responds and reacts to everything around him, his energy and the sheer joy he gets out of the simplest things, the sudden realisation that he is a "big boy" now and his quest for independence, his sense of humour and new level of awareness of the world he inhabits, it's all amazing and wonderful to us. There are bad times, daily, but they are bearable because the good times are so good. "This too shall pass," is our other mantra, and it's helping us realise that the twos aren't so terrible after all.
Showing posts with label Behaviour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Behaviour. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Crime and Punishment
Lately we've started thinking about discipline. J is testing the boundaries more and more each day, and saying "no" very seriously and emphatically just sends him into fits of giggles - not an effective way of getting the message across, clearly. Lots of friends use the time out/naughty corner technique and it seems very effective but J is still too young for that to have any impact yet. We do however, feel like we need to set the stage now and pre-empt any bad behaviour by making it clear what is and isn't acceptable early on (let's face it, we're in for a challenging time; he takes after both his parents, and we were both very naughty toddlers...).
We are not fans of smacking/spanking and don't want to go down that route. This isn't intended to be a rant arguing against the psychological effects of hitting your children, but I do know a little bit about Behavioural Psychology from my teaching days. Studies do show that physical punishment just doesn't work, for a lot of reasons. When I was at school corporal punishment, like the cane, was still an acceptable method of disciplining children. The nuns were the most likely to use it and seemed to take particular pleasure in inflicting pain on my unruly classmates, and this was when I was in primary school! My parents would threaten us with the wooden spoon sometimes and my Nanna kept a leather strap in the kitchen cupboard. Neither of these objects were ever used on us, it was utterly terrifying just thinking about it, and that was enough to keep us in line. Back in those days it was more common and certainly more acceptable to smack your children. These days I think child protective services would be knocking on your door if they heard you had threatened to hit your child with a spoon, whether you actually intended to or not. Times have changed and I think there are many very good reasons why.
Personally, I hate the thought of smacking a child; I can't even discipline the dog! I remember being smacked as a child, not often, but occasionally. The threat of it was always there and that was enough for me. My brother tended to push the boundaries more often and wore a red bum fairly frequently. I very clearly remember my mum slapping me on the leg once for shouting at my brother. It didn't hurt much but I'll never forget how it made me feel. I strongly believed that, on that occasion, the punishment did not fit the crime, and the emotional scar was much deeper than the physical one. I don't ever want my children to feel that way, no matter how naughty they may be. I can't say I won't ever smack them, but right now I'd like to think that I won't. I just have to look at my son's cherubic little face and I can't imagine ever laying a hand on him. At the same time I can't imagine him ever being naughty enough to make me that cross, but we've still got a long way to go, and I'm not that naive.
Before you stop reading because I'm starting to sound holier than thou, I have to tell you a story. Several months ago I smacked my nine-year-old nephew, B. He has had a less than ideal upbringing and has a lot of issues. He can be a very sweet boy a lot of the time but he can also push the best of us to our limits. We had all gone to the local sweet shop one morning, where he was given all sorts of treats without showing any gratitude. I let this go because I'm not his mother. He complained a lot about other things he wanted and things he wanted to do. I let this go too. Then when we were getting in the car my mum, B's grandmother, asked him to do something for her and he replied with something along the lines of "do it yourself...". Without thinking about it I slapped him across the arm (much like I would do if my husband said something inappropriate or offensive) and said "don't you dare speak to your Nanna that way!" He instantly burst into tears and said "don't you hit me that way!" I felt absolutely awful. Partly because of his reaction but also because I did it without thinking, it was just an instinct. Some of you out there will say it was warranted, others who know the child in question might say it was a long time coming, but in my heart I knew it was wrong. I took him aside when we got home and apologised. I explained that what I did was wrong, but that he was also at fault. I think the apology negated any impact the punishment may have had but even then, it took me a long time to regain B's trust.
I've seen parents smack children, both in their own homes and in public, and I always sympathise with the child. I don't believe humiliating them in front of others is ever a good way to teach them right from wrong. I also feel that smacking a child, especially when their crime is a violent one, is outright hypocrisy. I find it hard to understand why parents would knowingly send their children the message that it's ok to hit someone smaller than you if you believe they've done the wrong thing. I'm aware that I'm at risk of offending a few people with this particular diatribe, so let me just say that I believe every parent has the right to discipline their children the way they see fit. It is a very personal decision, albeit a potentially controversial one. As I said, I'm not perfect; I'm only human, and we're all liable to outbursts every now and then. Sometimes instinct leads the way over reason and we lose our tempers and smack our kids. This isn't by any means justification for corporal punishment; regardless of instinct, we should all be held responsible for our actions if we're to have any hope of our children taking responsibility for theirs. I think the best way to teach them self-control, respect for others, and non-violent conflict resolution is to lead by example.
After all that I think it's clear what we're NOT going to do when J starts acting up. We still have to solve the dilemma of what we will do. Stay tuned.
We are not fans of smacking/spanking and don't want to go down that route. This isn't intended to be a rant arguing against the psychological effects of hitting your children, but I do know a little bit about Behavioural Psychology from my teaching days. Studies do show that physical punishment just doesn't work, for a lot of reasons. When I was at school corporal punishment, like the cane, was still an acceptable method of disciplining children. The nuns were the most likely to use it and seemed to take particular pleasure in inflicting pain on my unruly classmates, and this was when I was in primary school! My parents would threaten us with the wooden spoon sometimes and my Nanna kept a leather strap in the kitchen cupboard. Neither of these objects were ever used on us, it was utterly terrifying just thinking about it, and that was enough to keep us in line. Back in those days it was more common and certainly more acceptable to smack your children. These days I think child protective services would be knocking on your door if they heard you had threatened to hit your child with a spoon, whether you actually intended to or not. Times have changed and I think there are many very good reasons why.
Personally, I hate the thought of smacking a child; I can't even discipline the dog! I remember being smacked as a child, not often, but occasionally. The threat of it was always there and that was enough for me. My brother tended to push the boundaries more often and wore a red bum fairly frequently. I very clearly remember my mum slapping me on the leg once for shouting at my brother. It didn't hurt much but I'll never forget how it made me feel. I strongly believed that, on that occasion, the punishment did not fit the crime, and the emotional scar was much deeper than the physical one. I don't ever want my children to feel that way, no matter how naughty they may be. I can't say I won't ever smack them, but right now I'd like to think that I won't. I just have to look at my son's cherubic little face and I can't imagine ever laying a hand on him. At the same time I can't imagine him ever being naughty enough to make me that cross, but we've still got a long way to go, and I'm not that naive.
Before you stop reading because I'm starting to sound holier than thou, I have to tell you a story. Several months ago I smacked my nine-year-old nephew, B. He has had a less than ideal upbringing and has a lot of issues. He can be a very sweet boy a lot of the time but he can also push the best of us to our limits. We had all gone to the local sweet shop one morning, where he was given all sorts of treats without showing any gratitude. I let this go because I'm not his mother. He complained a lot about other things he wanted and things he wanted to do. I let this go too. Then when we were getting in the car my mum, B's grandmother, asked him to do something for her and he replied with something along the lines of "do it yourself...". Without thinking about it I slapped him across the arm (much like I would do if my husband said something inappropriate or offensive) and said "don't you dare speak to your Nanna that way!" He instantly burst into tears and said "don't you hit me that way!" I felt absolutely awful. Partly because of his reaction but also because I did it without thinking, it was just an instinct. Some of you out there will say it was warranted, others who know the child in question might say it was a long time coming, but in my heart I knew it was wrong. I took him aside when we got home and apologised. I explained that what I did was wrong, but that he was also at fault. I think the apology negated any impact the punishment may have had but even then, it took me a long time to regain B's trust.
I've seen parents smack children, both in their own homes and in public, and I always sympathise with the child. I don't believe humiliating them in front of others is ever a good way to teach them right from wrong. I also feel that smacking a child, especially when their crime is a violent one, is outright hypocrisy. I find it hard to understand why parents would knowingly send their children the message that it's ok to hit someone smaller than you if you believe they've done the wrong thing. I'm aware that I'm at risk of offending a few people with this particular diatribe, so let me just say that I believe every parent has the right to discipline their children the way they see fit. It is a very personal decision, albeit a potentially controversial one. As I said, I'm not perfect; I'm only human, and we're all liable to outbursts every now and then. Sometimes instinct leads the way over reason and we lose our tempers and smack our kids. This isn't by any means justification for corporal punishment; regardless of instinct, we should all be held responsible for our actions if we're to have any hope of our children taking responsibility for theirs. I think the best way to teach them self-control, respect for others, and non-violent conflict resolution is to lead by example.
After all that I think it's clear what we're NOT going to do when J starts acting up. We still have to solve the dilemma of what we will do. Stay tuned.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Biting Off More Than He Can Chew...
We have a biter on our hands. J only has six teeth (for now) but he's using them to full effect. He has always put everything in his mouth and when his teeth emerged he started nibbling on everything too, but lately he's been biting us. I made the mistake of yelping in shock when he first latched on to my finger, so now he thinks it's funny. It's not just stray fingers that linger too close to his mouth that he likes to grab hold of; last week in Bali he attacked my shoulder and my neck. He also drew blood once biting my stomach through my shirt! He doesn't let go either. I've had to pinch him a few times to make him release his jaws from their vampire-like grip on my skin. This new behaviour came as a bit of a surprise to us so we've had to come up with an emergency plan for dealing with it. At the moment when he bites one of us we say"no" and put him down. He breaks into a wicked grin until he realises we're serious, at which point the crocodile tears are turned on. We then have to try not to laugh at this display of fake distress. None of this has stopped him from trying to bite us both, but at least while it's winter there's less bare skin vulnerable to our little piranha's chompers. Any suggestions would be much appreciated as I'm a little weary of wearing teeth marks.
While we're on the subject of teeth, J is teething again. It's been a while since the four teeth on top popped out (all at once!) so we knew we were due for more sooner or later. We got back from Bali and had a few sleepless nights that were clearly more than the result of holiday disruption. I took a peek in the little guy's mouth and no less than four canines and molars (all at once!) were on their way. We've come to rely on Nurofen, Bonjela and a homeopathic remedy given to us by a friend for our sleep this week. I know Bonjela is a bit controversial and not recommended in Australia, but our GP here gave it to us, and I'm all for anything that stops the constant crankiness and mouth angst (and yes, maybe the biting too). I don't care what anyone says, teething is a fresh hell each and every time.
On the upside these new pearly whites are making mealtimes a lot easier. I mentioned in my last post that J has started eating what we eat and so far this is going surprisingly well. We even try to eat together, instead of feeding him first, then eating our dinner on the sofa in front of the TV. We haven't managed to wean him off the Wiggles at dinnertime yet, but we're working on it. Eating while we eat has made our boy more adventurous too, he will try anything. It's been fun thinking up recipes that we can all enjoy and watching him enjoy food that we love. Not having to cook separate meals and puree everything has saved a huge amount of time and energy, and I have a renewed passion for cooking family meals (having to cook with a tiny benchtop stove/oven all year had broken my spirit). Cooking for one hasn't been fun either; I always struggle to cook anything remotely interesting when my husband's away but now that J and I will both eat what I cook I'm making more of an effort. He eats just like I do too, very slowly, which is awesome. He waits until he's completely finished one mouthful before accepting the next. Growing up I was always the last one at the dinner table, and my husband eats so quickly that he's usually halfway through a meal before I've even started, so I'm thrilled to have someone sitting beside me, eating at the same pace, taking the time to enjoy every mouthful. I just wish my fingers weren't on the menu so often!
While we're on the subject of teeth, J is teething again. It's been a while since the four teeth on top popped out (all at once!) so we knew we were due for more sooner or later. We got back from Bali and had a few sleepless nights that were clearly more than the result of holiday disruption. I took a peek in the little guy's mouth and no less than four canines and molars (all at once!) were on their way. We've come to rely on Nurofen, Bonjela and a homeopathic remedy given to us by a friend for our sleep this week. I know Bonjela is a bit controversial and not recommended in Australia, but our GP here gave it to us, and I'm all for anything that stops the constant crankiness and mouth angst (and yes, maybe the biting too). I don't care what anyone says, teething is a fresh hell each and every time.
On the upside these new pearly whites are making mealtimes a lot easier. I mentioned in my last post that J has started eating what we eat and so far this is going surprisingly well. We even try to eat together, instead of feeding him first, then eating our dinner on the sofa in front of the TV. We haven't managed to wean him off the Wiggles at dinnertime yet, but we're working on it. Eating while we eat has made our boy more adventurous too, he will try anything. It's been fun thinking up recipes that we can all enjoy and watching him enjoy food that we love. Not having to cook separate meals and puree everything has saved a huge amount of time and energy, and I have a renewed passion for cooking family meals (having to cook with a tiny benchtop stove/oven all year had broken my spirit). Cooking for one hasn't been fun either; I always struggle to cook anything remotely interesting when my husband's away but now that J and I will both eat what I cook I'm making more of an effort. He eats just like I do too, very slowly, which is awesome. He waits until he's completely finished one mouthful before accepting the next. Growing up I was always the last one at the dinner table, and my husband eats so quickly that he's usually halfway through a meal before I've even started, so I'm thrilled to have someone sitting beside me, eating at the same pace, taking the time to enjoy every mouthful. I just wish my fingers weren't on the menu so often!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Toddler Taming
Tantrums in public... we've all seen them. I used to pity the poor parents trying to wrangle a screaming child out of a shop without getting themselves worked up. I've also seen parents make threats, leave the screaming child in the shop and walk away, and more often than not, give in to the child's demands in an attempt to end the tantrum. There have been times when I've been a bit judgemental and wondered what the parent had done to let things get to that point in the first place. I wondered how much of it was out of the parent's control and how much was the result of bad habits and poor parenting. I'm learning to be less judgemental these days, now that that parent is me.
My little guy is far too young to be considered naughty. He's definitely asserting his independence and testing the boundaries, but he doesn't yet know right from wrong, so when he does have a public meltdown there's generally a good reason for it. Yesterday was the first time he had a proper meltdown, witnessed by others, and my futile attempts to calm him down will ensure I am much more sympathetic towards others in the future. Yesterday morning we were at playgroup and J had been a bit cranky on and off throughout the morning. He has no less than four teeth trying to break through and is clearly uncomfortable, so I don't blame him really. He was playing quite happily with a toy when he suddenly decided he wanted to do something different. He started to make a fuss and I made the mistake of picking him up to take him to a different part of the room. Well, he thrashed about kicking and screaming and smacking me in the face, and I had no idea what to do and just stood there stunned, shushing him. The teacher was so concerned that she stepped in and took him off me, and the change of scene stopped him in his tracks. Suddenly mummy wasn't looking so bad and he reached out for me again. The whole incident lasted less than a minute but it was playing on my mind for quite a while. I realised I need a strategy for future tantrums; less "deer in the headlights" and more "grabbing the bull by the horns," so to speak, so other adults don't feel the need to intervene.
I'm afraid that tantrums will soon become a regular occurance, and that will be entirely my fault. Not because I'm a bad parent but because, thanks to the magic of genetics, J takes after me when it comes to tantrums. He has inherited a combination of looks and personality traits from both of us, some of them good and others less so. He looks like my husband but he has my family's stocky build and muscular legs. Great if you're a boy wanting to play football, but less appealing if you're a girl trying to find a pair of knee high boots to fit over your enormous calves! J has my husband's enthusiasm for life and boundless energy. They both find it impossible to sit down. I'm quite pleased about that, even if it can be exhausting at times. Holidays on tropical islands with my husband generally involve one day of lying on the beach and followed by a week of kayaking, snorkelling, shopping, motorbike riding, hiking etc. In future my husband and son can go off and do those things together while I lie on the beach with a book, it's perfect! Our little guy is a sensitive soul, he's sweet and funny and is quite the chatterbox, but one of the traits, the worst trait, he has inherited from me is a short fuse.
I've always been terribly impatient and when J was born I made a deliberate attempt to control that. I didn't want him to see me getting cross and easily frustrated, and "pick it up." As it turns out the temper gene seems to be in his DNA; he's not imitating his mum, he's been impatient from day one. When I was breastfeeding he'd scream and bite me if the milk didn't come out quick enough! Now, if things don't go his way he snaps, and if he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants it, watch out! Last night when he didn't want to go to bed he let out a scream that sounded an awful lot like "nononononono NO!" I have a feeling we'll be hearing that a lot! He's generally a really happy baby, but he's also what I would call "fiery". This trait has served me well at times, it means I get things done quickly and I know how to stand up for myself, but in a place like Hong Kong it can be a liability. My mum tells me I was a terrible toddler, and she'll probably say that I'm only getting back everything I gave her, so I'm hoping to tap into that when J starts melting down more often. I've realised that's my strategy; there's no one better to tame my toddler than one who knows how to throw a decent tantrum themselves. There are interesting times ahead, stay tuned.
My little guy is far too young to be considered naughty. He's definitely asserting his independence and testing the boundaries, but he doesn't yet know right from wrong, so when he does have a public meltdown there's generally a good reason for it. Yesterday was the first time he had a proper meltdown, witnessed by others, and my futile attempts to calm him down will ensure I am much more sympathetic towards others in the future. Yesterday morning we were at playgroup and J had been a bit cranky on and off throughout the morning. He has no less than four teeth trying to break through and is clearly uncomfortable, so I don't blame him really. He was playing quite happily with a toy when he suddenly decided he wanted to do something different. He started to make a fuss and I made the mistake of picking him up to take him to a different part of the room. Well, he thrashed about kicking and screaming and smacking me in the face, and I had no idea what to do and just stood there stunned, shushing him. The teacher was so concerned that she stepped in and took him off me, and the change of scene stopped him in his tracks. Suddenly mummy wasn't looking so bad and he reached out for me again. The whole incident lasted less than a minute but it was playing on my mind for quite a while. I realised I need a strategy for future tantrums; less "deer in the headlights" and more "grabbing the bull by the horns," so to speak, so other adults don't feel the need to intervene.
I'm afraid that tantrums will soon become a regular occurance, and that will be entirely my fault. Not because I'm a bad parent but because, thanks to the magic of genetics, J takes after me when it comes to tantrums. He has inherited a combination of looks and personality traits from both of us, some of them good and others less so. He looks like my husband but he has my family's stocky build and muscular legs. Great if you're a boy wanting to play football, but less appealing if you're a girl trying to find a pair of knee high boots to fit over your enormous calves! J has my husband's enthusiasm for life and boundless energy. They both find it impossible to sit down. I'm quite pleased about that, even if it can be exhausting at times. Holidays on tropical islands with my husband generally involve one day of lying on the beach and followed by a week of kayaking, snorkelling, shopping, motorbike riding, hiking etc. In future my husband and son can go off and do those things together while I lie on the beach with a book, it's perfect! Our little guy is a sensitive soul, he's sweet and funny and is quite the chatterbox, but one of the traits, the worst trait, he has inherited from me is a short fuse.
I've always been terribly impatient and when J was born I made a deliberate attempt to control that. I didn't want him to see me getting cross and easily frustrated, and "pick it up." As it turns out the temper gene seems to be in his DNA; he's not imitating his mum, he's been impatient from day one. When I was breastfeeding he'd scream and bite me if the milk didn't come out quick enough! Now, if things don't go his way he snaps, and if he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants it, watch out! Last night when he didn't want to go to bed he let out a scream that sounded an awful lot like "nononononono NO!" I have a feeling we'll be hearing that a lot! He's generally a really happy baby, but he's also what I would call "fiery". This trait has served me well at times, it means I get things done quickly and I know how to stand up for myself, but in a place like Hong Kong it can be a liability. My mum tells me I was a terrible toddler, and she'll probably say that I'm only getting back everything I gave her, so I'm hoping to tap into that when J starts melting down more often. I've realised that's my strategy; there's no one better to tame my toddler than one who knows how to throw a decent tantrum themselves. There are interesting times ahead, stay tuned.
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